Understanding and Addressing Children’s Behavior

This narrative illustrates a typical morning with three children under the age of 10. The youngest requires help with her shoes, the oldest complains about having nothing to wear, and the middle child fears being late. Typically, the initial reaction involves sanctioning the children by threatening to revoke screen time or enforcing time-outs.

Clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy suggests an alternative method. She recommends understanding the reason behind a child’s actions instead of employing time-outs and consequences. Her guideline centers on believing that a child is inherently ‘good inside.’ This viewpoint aids in steering clear of making assumptions about the child’s character, enabling parents to focus on understanding the underlying causes of behavior.

By validating a child’s feelings and showing empathy, parents can encourage their growth. Becky Kennedy, who is a podcast host and author, shared insights on managing common behavioral issues with young children on the Life Kit platform.

The ‘Good Inside’ Approach

An example is provided where a three-year-old boy hits his sister. While the action itself is not favorable, looking at the situation through the ‘good inside’ lens prompts curiosity about the causes behind such behavior. It refrains from defaulting to frustration or judgment.

Parents are encouraged to see their child’s identity as separate from behavioral descriptions. In the given scenario, a parent would first address the behavior by saying, “I’m not going to let you hit your sister.” Acknowledging the hurt caused to the sibling is equally crucial, “Ouch, I know that hurt. That wasn’t OK.” Instead of punishing, the focus is on connecting with the child and understanding their struggles.

Connecting Over Correcting

The approach emphasizes connection over behavior correction. It entails talking to the child with understanding words like, “You’re having a hard time. I’m here. We’re going to figure it out together.” This method aims at reassuring the child of their capability and worth, even in difficult times.

Kennedy argues that chastising a child for bad behavior can heighten their shame and leave them with a belief that they are unlovable. Instead, demonstrating a willingness to understand fosters a better relationship.

Repairing Connections

For parents who have resorted to discipline, repairing the connection involves reflecting on the incident and expressing what they wish had been done differently. An example script describes a parent admitting to yelling due to their stress and reassures the child that it was not their fault. The expression of love and shared experiences of managing emotions is deemed crucial.

This piece is drawn from an interview on the Life Kit platform, where further insights can be garnered by listening to the full interview with Becky Kennedy.

The audio production was by Sylvie Douglis, and Malaka Gharib edited the digital story. Share your thoughts or experiences by leaving a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or emailing [email protected].