How to Recover, Heal, and Move on from a Breakup

Amy Chan distinctly recalls the day her relationship ended. Discovering her partner’s infidelity left her devastated. The breakup not only took away her partner, but also the future she envisioned. She says, “I put so much of my identity in him and our future plan that without that, I didn’t know who I was.” This emotional turmoil resulted in prolonged depression and anxiety. Her friends ensured she was eating enough to sustain herself during the rough period.

Chan is in a much better place now. She founded Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat for those seeking guidance from relationship experts. She authored Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart. Chan is among several experts providing advice on healing and moving forward after a breakup.

Breakups Hurt: Give Them Respect

Not all breakups follow the same pattern. Some dissolve slowly, while others end abruptly. Regardless of how it happens, they all have one thing in common: breakups are painful. Naomi Eisenberger, psychology professor, notes that when we’re happy with loved ones, brain regions associated with rewards activate. When facing rejection, regions processing physical pain light up.

Orna Guralnik, clinical psychologist, emphasizes the importance of acknowledging feelings post-breakup. “A breakup deserves self-care and attention,” she says. Chan compares it to mourning, explaining friends often pressured her to “get over it.” She states, “It is perfectly okay to feel emotions, and this doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.”

Avoid Using Alcohol or Drugs as Coping Mechanisms

After a breakup, the urge to turn to substances can be strong. Chan points out that intoxication undermines the brain’s ability to think rationally. Reliance on substances may heighten negative emotions, leading to regrettable decisions.

Accept the Reality of the Breakup

Acceptance can be challenging. Chan notes the body searches for “love hormones,” lingering after a breakup. Chan advises against contacting an ex unless necessary. Closure, she explains, isn’t what individuals are seeking; it’s relief from pain. Realistically, no ex can provide that relief.

Self-Reflection and Avoiding Pitfalls

Chan encourages using the opportunity for introspection post-breakup. She helps clients recognize “thinking traps” and rewrite their relationship stories truthfully. She explains that deep examination of past relationships uncovers recurring patterns.

Guralnik warns against shame-based thoughts, emphasizing the importance of learning rather than labeling oneself negatively. Real growth comes from identifying actionable changes.

Recognize When You’re “Stuck”

Everyone processes breakups differently. Guralnik notes that prolonged repetition of thoughts can indicate being “stuck.” Chan shares how a friend’s question prompted her to reassess her previous relationship, helping her move forward.

Identifying cycles of repetition is crucial. Getting caught in a loop of emotions can be natural, Chan explains. Eisenberger suggests exercising and socializing to counteract ruminations. Redirect energy into hobbies or passions, filling life and eventually enabling readiness to date again.

Moving Forward: Start Dating When Ready

Determining readiness for dating requires genuine interest in meeting new people, not merely distraction. “The only way to tell is to actually do it,” Chan advises. Trying, reevaluating, and attempting later if necessary is key.

If dating becomes less overwhelming, continue pursuing connections. Still, it’s normal to nurse some wounds.

In essence, you possess the tools to recover from heartbreak.

The podcast of this story was produced by Clare Marie Schneider. Share your life hacks by voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email [email protected]. Your tip could appear in an upcoming episode. For more from Life Kit, subscribe to our newsletter.