A Journey from Abandonment to Embracing Identity

Growing up in Memphis, Tennessee, but originating from China, describes an extraordinary life journey. Abandoned at 3 days old on a sidewalk in Nanchang, Jiangxi Province, the search for a birth family seemed unattainable. This changed with the arrival of children, when the connections offered by social media made the impossible seem possible. My story became something worth sharing.

From early on, there was no revelation about my adoption; it was always an open discussion within my family. Discovering a document labeling me an ‘officially abandoned child’ made the reality of my abandonment tangible. My adoptive mother believed in my biological family’s intentions for a better life for me, which provided comfort as a child. As an adult, I questioned this belief, oscillating between doubt and acceptance.

At 14 months, I was adopted from a crowded orphanage, sick with pneumonia. My mom feared for my life upon meeting me. The lack of care in the orphanage painted a grim picture, yet matching with a family saved my life. Memories of my childhood are happy ones. Events like fall festivals, Christmas lights, trips, and gatherings with family created a loving environment where I felt no outsider status.

School presented challenges with teasing, but familiarity diminished the jokes. College introduced a contemplative phase on my Chinese identity. As a child, I never actively sought out my biological family but imagined them in daydreams. Initially, I saw my past as unchangeable, only daring to Google my birthplace, Nanchang, during college, and discovering a modern city contrary to what I learned growing up.

Visiting China at age 7, through a program for ‘China’s lost girls,’ provided an opportunity to connect albeit too young to fully comprehend its impact.

Feelings of abandonment shifted over time, weighed by empathy for what my biological mother might have faced. Becoming a mother in 2021 brought these feelings into sharp focus. Holding my children, I understood the significance of familial bonds. Experiencing joy alongside grief during postpartum reshaped my adoption understanding, moving from an adopted child identity to a Chinese mother raising Chinese children.

This new perspective made my cultural heritage vital. As my daughter started kindergarten, learning about being Chinese became a joint venture involving reading, watching videos, and discussing adoption. Stories and information I previously avoided claiming now felt empowering to share.

In early search stages for my birth family, together with another adoptee, we planned DNA tests. Organizations like the Nanchang Project, and Baobeihuijia, were approached to increase prospects of locating relatives. The search fueled questions about my family history and motivations behind the abandonment, and whether the story extended beyond the one-child policy.

A deliberate distance remained from learning about the one-child policy’s impact on mothers and daughters. Recognizing the ‘lucky’ fortune of a loving family caused mixed emotions about alternate past potential. Despite unanswered questions, the life I have now is something I wouldn’t trade. Imagining a possible birth family’s meeting, one wish stands out: hoping my life’s outcomes align with their hopes when they chose my path.

Presently, transitioning from a stay-at-home mom to re-entering the workforce, past dreams of media production have evolved. Rather than aspiring for a role in New York City, I’ve realized the peak of life’s fulfillment lies within my family now. This awareness excites me for future possibilities.