Finding Honesty Within Marriage

I sat with my then-husband at the Cheesecake Factory, waiting for new members of our marriage mentor group. Silence filled the car ride there. The engaged couple arrived smiling, and I shifted into my role as a mentor. I greeted them warmly and invited them to sit. My husband smiled faintly, but I carried the conversation.

As they settled in, exhaustion washed over me. I would need to pretend everything was fine for the next hour. I started with questions to learn more about them and explained the group’s purpose. They asked about our relationship: how we met, the duration, handling disagreements. Then, they asked about our secret to staying together, a question I wasn’t ready for.

I likely mentioned communication, patience, and choosing each other. These were safe answers, expected from a marriage mentor. I smiled, but inside, I felt tense, knowing I was being dishonest. My happiness in the marriage had faded long ago. Work at Chipotle headquarters consumed me, and it was easier than confronting my marital issues.

Loyalty was my identity for years. I had many reasons not to leave. One fear loomed large: losing the identity of a ‘good wife.’ I worried I’d be unrecognizable to myself. Telling the newlywed group about a divorce or facing my church and mom seemed impossible. Nothing felt wrong enough to warrant leaving. We still had good times, with no abuse or infidelity, making it hard to pinpoint the issues.

So, I stayed, telling myself to be grateful as others had it worse. Questions from others about a potential divorce seemed daunting. I adapted, convincing myself, ‘It’s not that bad.’ But I was exhausted. Pretending to be fine and helping others with their marriages drained me.

One Friday night, with my husband asleep, I spoke with a friend on a blue couch in our building’s lobby. For the first time, I voiced, ‘I have to get a divorce.’ It felt like finishing a marathon, leaving me unable to hold myself up.

It’s been 12 years since that night. I left the mentor group, met a partner of ten years, and changed careers. The biggest shift was no longer ignoring my feelings. I reflect on that couple, wanting to offer them something simple and reassuring. Yet, the real question wasn’t about a secret to staying together; it was about staying honest with myself.

My marriage continued despite my denial of true desires. I thought I needed an irrefutable reason to leave. Now, honesty about my feelings suffices.

Patti Bryant writes about life shifts and self-awareness; follow her on Instagram @withpattibryant. This article reflects her personal views.