The Complex Battle Over Embryo Custody in I.V.F. Disputes

Erin Millender, at the age of 47, is facing what could be her last opportunity to become a mother. Her husband has decided he does not want to have a child with her anymore.

Journalist Caroline Kitchener followed Millender after a crucial hearing in New York City and examined an extensive array of legal documents, medical records, emails, and text messages concerning the case.

Erin Millender’s deepest desire has always been motherhood. She was determined, with preparations including choosing a day care and storing a Pack ’n Play in her basement. She explored multiple avenues, such as Chinese pregnancy teas and midnight fertility ceremonies in the Caribbean. She was willing to try anything to achieve her dream.

Facing her mid-40s, Millender knew time was slipping away. Years of attempting in vitro fertilization had been fruitless. She resolved to give I.V.F. one more attempt.

She contacted the clinic in July 2023, hopeful to have an embryo implanted soon. The response changed everything; her husband had retracted his consent. Without his DNA, she could not proceed.

“We can’t move forward,” the doctor informed her. “Our hands are tied.” This situation placed Millender at the core of a challenging debate affecting courts and couples nationwide.

As many women opt for in vitro fertilization, sometimes postponing motherhood into their 40s, they encounter complex moral and legal issues regarding lab-created children. One major question: who gets custody of embryos before they become children?

Millender, standing in downtown Manhattan, reached for a cigarette and began pacing. Weeks prior, her husband had mentioned divorce while in their Brooklyn home. Initially, she thought it was a temporary marital issue, potentially resolving in a stronger relationship. Yet, it now threatened the careful plans for her family.