Understanding ‘Quiet Quitting’ in Marriage

‘Quiet quitting,’ a term commonly used in workplaces to describe doing only the necessary tasks, has found relevance in marriages as well. It refers to couples who stay together while decreasing their emotional involvement and communication within the relationship.

Recognizing Emotional Disengagement

Relationship experts observe that partners may continue managing daily responsibilities like household chores and parenting even as one may become emotionally and physically distant. Discussions about this concept have gained traction on social media, where users share experiences of staying in a marriage while feeling disconnected.

Lisa Brookes Kift, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Marin Therapy and Counseling in California, points out that a lack of conflict doesn’t necessarily indicate a healthy relationship. She explains that some prefer to avoid confrontations, which can erode emotional safety over time.

“It’s a myth that an absence of arguing in a relationship automatically means the relationship is healthy,” Kift said.

People’s attachment styles often influence their responses to marital distress. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style might endure emotional distance better because they find comfort within themselves. Conversely, those with a secure attachment style are more likely to believe problems are solvable and offer their partner the benefit of the doubt.

The Impact of Early Experiences

Kift emphasizes how early lessons about trust, worthiness, and emotional fulfillment shape adult relationship dynamics. Partners might lose hope if they perceive repeated patterns of early disappointments.

In her practice, Kift has observed clients feeling hopeless after unsuccessful attempts to meet emotional needs within the marriage. She identifies several warning signs of emotional disengagement:

• Decline in open communication
• Unresolved conflicts
• Increased impatience
• Assuming the worst about a partner’s intentions

If ignored, a marriage may progress to a state described by journalist Monica Corcoran Harel as “parallel play,” where partners coexist without truly engaging with each other.

Working Towards Repair

Kift states that repairing a marriage requires both partners to re-engage, which becomes challenging if one partner is deeply detached. Recognizing signs like reduced communication, unresolved issues, growing impatience, and negative assumptions is crucial.

“If one has fully checked out, they will not be open to repair,” she added.

For couples ready to work on their relationship, Kift advises initiating a conversation that ensures safety and conveys care. An example might be:

“I know it may not have looked like it, but you and our marriage are very important to me. Can we find a time to sit down and talk?”