Returning to the U.S. for Family and Rediscovery

Vivian Pei spent over 30 years abroad, building a career and starting a family. A visit to her father, then 85, made her realize she needed to return to the U.S. to support him. Her journey back to Iowa City was transformative.

A Life Overseas

Pei left the U.S. as a teen. Born in San Francisco, her family later moved to St. Louis, Missouri, where her father ran a Chinese restaurant. Growing up, Pei navigated the challenges of being one of the few Asian students in her school. Her parents’ strictness fueled her desire to explore the world.

Her love for travel began during her senior year in college, which she spent in Paris. Following Paris, she held positions in Tokyo, Singapore, and London, eventually obtaining an MBA and working in marketing and brand strategy. In Singapore, she met her British husband. They married and raised their children there for 16 years before eventually separating while continuing to co-parent.

The Decision to Return

Pei’s visit to her father five years ago was eye-opening. He had aged significantly and needed help, which spurred Pei to consider returning to the U.S. By March 2022, Pei decided to move back with her children. Her former husband was initially hesitant, understanding that uprooting their teenagers involved significant challenges. After many discussions, the family agreed on a new arrangement, allowing the children to spend time with their father during certain periods.

Iowa City was chosen for its proximity to extended family, offering a support network. Arriving with two children and limited belongings, Pei faced the task of starting over.

Challenges of Caregiving

Pei’s father moved in with them soon after their arrival. For the first time in years, they were living under the same roof. Pei juggled helping her children adapt to new schools, setting up a new home, and managing her father’s healthcare needs, including sorting through his paperwork and managing medications. The demanding nature of caregiving, both physically and emotionally, was unexpected.

Her father’s reluctance to discuss his health issues and emerging signs of dementia added complexity to Pei’s responsibilities. Balancing these challenges with parenting sometimes felt overwhelming.

Finding a Balance

Returning to the U.S. was a cultural adjustment for Pei. Previously, she had a vibrant social and professional life in Singapore. In Iowa City, caring for both her children and her father left little time for herself. Concurrently experiencing menopause added to her stress.

To reclaim a part of herself, Pei worked with her cousin to start a food business selling Asian-inspired snacks. This endeavor provided her with an outlet and independence while still allowing her to care for her father.

Reflections on Family and Life Choices

Pei’s father passed away last year, affirming her decision to move. Her father, who spent his life providing for the family, had little for himself. Cooking and caring for him was Pei’s way of giving back, allowing him daily interactions with his grandchildren.

Pei reflects that, given the chance, she would approach the move more gradually. Settling her children and maintaining open family discussions about sharing responsibilities could have eased the transition.

Now, Pei remains in Iowa City, planning to downsize once her son graduates high school. While her future plans remain uncertain, Pei cherishes the time spent with her father, knowing it was irreplaceable.